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February 24, 2008
I Take It All Back
Well, no sooner did I declare my intention to Live Healthily and Coat My Underarms in Nature's Sweetness Only than I spent the next three days eating dinners consisting of either Cheez-Its and Froot Loops or Trader Joe's buffalo wings. You, like most everyone I know, may already have been suspicious of any grand pronouncements I make, but if you weren't: SUCKAH!
Back on the wagon as of tomorrow, however, EXCEPT FOR THE DEODORANT.
It's all well and good for work, I guess, but if you'll remember, my need for aluminum-free pits came second to my desire to instigate a torrid affair, and I have discovered that the two Do Not Mix.
Imagine my horror, engaging in some perfectly innocent kissing this evening when a whiff of, oh, hang on a sec, what is that, OMG, it's MY OWN BODY ODOR, hit me. Jeebus.
Hello, my sweet little Dove. I love you, I want you back, please forgive me. Real Beauty may come in many colors and sizes, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't come in Stank.
Also, have you seen that horrible Billy Crystal vehicle, Forget Paris? One of the few incredibly funny moments in that scene is when poor Ellen (Debra Winger) is driving Mickey (BC)'s geezery dad around town and he's droning out very single road sign he sees, Wannamaker's Tires, Benny's Donuts, etc., not realizing he's doing it and driving Ellen to hari kari.
Um, I have a similar tendency. Sometimes I'll have a thought in my head and say it out loud and not realize I did it, and then, two minutes later, I'll realize, oh hey, I wanted to say that thought out loud and then I'll do so -- and the person I'm with will look at me like I'm totally insane, like, yeah, you said that two minutes ago.
And it's like a reflex! I cannot be stopped. If you drive me past a landmark that has a particular association with me, I will tell you about it. Even if I have told you 12 times before, one of which was two minutes ago when I first had the thought and said it out loud without realizing.
In Argentina, with The Boy, he once idly mentioned that he could get a haircut while we were there, and once he did, damn it if every time we saw a salon I didn't say, "oh, you could get your haircut" -- even after he told me, more than a little pointedly, that he had decided he didn't want one. My little mind just couldn't be rerouted: hair salon = hair cut for The Boy --> "oh, you could get your haircut." It was horrible. Finally he told me I was giving him a complex and I was able to move on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I bring this up because in addition to smelling to high heaven this evening, I believe I also told my date twice: "this is the same street where I bought my flamenco shoes." I thought it once, then unconsciously said it out loud because I have no filter, and then thought to myself, gee, wouldn't he like to know this is where I bought my flamenco shoes, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T FLAMENCO, and told him again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I am date-free again in two weeks, you'll know the cause: because I'm really an eighty-year-old man with a slight case of dementia and a severe case of B.O.
Posted by jen at February 24, 2008 10:51 PM
Comments
Hello Nature's Sweetness,
Maybe you have a general rule not to respond to your blog's comments (I've tried twice now on your last two posts). Or maybe you just haven't had the time or desire...understandable. However, since I first checked you out on Valentine's Day (see previous two entries), I've found myself looking up Sunday Undies on a daily basis because I find you quite interesting and humorous. Tonight, I figured you might 'see' me tomorrow if I was the first to comment on your most recent entry (which was just posted a couple of hours ago). I know that if I was writing a blog, I'd be checking my comments like a madman, just to make sure they were getting out there...
Enough small talk, let's get to the meat of the matter regarding tonight's post: You are dissing "Forget Paris"??? Shame, shame, shame...
"that horrible Billy Crystal vehicle..." ???? To think that after you raved so much about "When Harry Met Sally", that I was going to recommend "Forget Paris" to you as a true, must-see romantic-comedy masterpiece, featuring Mr. Crystal at his absolute best. Even without one of the funniest scenes of all-time (Debra Winger driving around with a pigeon glue-trapped to her head), this movie is a totally underrated classic.
If you're willing, I'd be happy to curl up with you under that scratchy 1992 quilt with a bottle of shiraz/Sambuca/handsoap and we can both take in another viewing of this flick and have fun trying to prove one another wrong. I'll bring some good ol' Ban Roll-On, just in case. Torrid enough for you?
Kip ... braintacomusic@msn.com
Posted by: Kip at February 25, 2008 01:30 AM
jen, i love all your posts, but this one CRACKED.ME.UP. As in laughed-and-snorted-coffee-out-my-nose-at-work cracked me up.
Posted by: brenda in toronto at February 25, 2008 07:25 AM
That former friend of mine -- who you met actually now that I think of it -- was very anti-deodorant. I know this because she was often a wee bit funky.
Posted by: Dagny at February 25, 2008 10:22 AM
I do the same thing--"I love what you do for me... Toyota..."
Posted by: Anne at February 25, 2008 08:00 PM
Holy FREAKING crap, you are hilarious! I love it! I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one with horrible boy luck.
Posted by: Muse at February 25, 2008 09:49 PM
Jen, I feel you with the Tom's of Maine. There is something very gamey that occurs in my shirts when honeysuckle rose blends with my own fragrance...that TOTALLY offends the discerning nose of my fussy, metro spouse.
Dove you say? I'll have to check it out. How though do you escape the chalky white syndrome that gets all over your clothes? Blog it!
Posted by: julie c at February 26, 2008 09:09 AM
Please forgive the unsolicited deodorant advice. Try the Long-Lasting Tom's. It's worked for both me and my husband. I have to admit, though, that the reason I tried it is because it has hops in it. Beer-y freshness all day.
Posted by: Mary at February 26, 2008 12:05 PM
you are totally cracking me up, you smelling flamenco dancer you.
at least there is kissing to be had, even if you scared him off. and come on, what kinda wimpy boy would be scared off by a little BO and some crazy shoe references. :)
p.s. and as for Kip's comment, see my previous comment... :)
Posted by: carolyn at February 26, 2008 04:01 PM
Carolyn,
I guess I can count on you to notice...
Kip
Posted by: Kip at February 26, 2008 04:08 PM
AHahaha! Oh honey I am SO with you on both accounts.
I abandoned my aluminum-free pits when I worked (ever so briefly) as an orthodontic assistant and was embarrassingly asked if I, um, you know... like wore deodorant at all. AT ALL!!!
So, like you, I am also suffering from a filter-free life and also the ability to retain basic conversation skills like *remembering* what I had spoken about 20 seconds ago... I figure I'm already at the beginning stages of dementia so what's a little aluminum going to do that's not already in the process of being done. And because I'm incredibly smell conscious... I went the opposite way and started buying the *prescription strength* deodorant. Hehee!
Posted by: saucygrrl at February 26, 2008 05:58 PM
Oh sure, NOW everyone derides the Tom's of Maine. Where was that in the comments of the last post where I felt like the nervous-sweat freak?
...I also fell off the wagon a bit last week - bought frozen Tyson boneless buffalo wings. They turned out to be pretty yummy - in a processed-chicken sort of way.
Posted by: Ana at February 26, 2008 11:09 PM
I do the EXACT SAME THING! It's like I build my entire world view taking into account that, for example, the boy could get a haircut.
And I just can't rebuild my world view when he changes his mind. For example...we planned a trip to Dublin, then decided to do it next year, instead. But I still keep making plans for 'our trip to Dublin in May' even though I have no plans for the trip we are actually TAKING.
{sigh} But now I know why I do this. As you say, I'm apparently an old man with a slight case of dementia (although you couldn't pry the Speed Stick out of my cold dead hands!)
Posted by: Kathy at March 2, 2008 03:54 PM
If you want to try another "natural" deodorant (and Tom's is owned by a megacorp now anyway so you're just giving your money to, like, Proctor and Gamble to smell like crap anyway), like 6 months from now, try Earth Science brand. It has worked amazingly well for me. There are times, though, after a lot of sweating in a cotton shirt, that there can be a not-so-good smell--but not often, and I ride my bike to work.
Posted by: Daphne at March 5, 2008 08:05 AM
(hi, next comment, i promise not to say "anyway" even once.)
Posted by: Daphne at March 5, 2008 08:06 AM
"Natural" deodorants work about as well as "natural" cold remedies - they don't! I once tried Tom's of Maine and felt as though I needed a shower within an hour. Secret Platinum for me, baby!
Posted by: Anne at March 5, 2008 01:07 PM
Aluminum deodorant makes me break out, but actually Adidas makes an aluminum-free deodorant that I've been using for a few years now and I love it. Wal-Mart carries it and I've found it at Walgreens, too. It's not "natural" or anything, but if you're just looking for something without aluminum, I recommend it!
Posted by: Leah at March 6, 2008 01:20 PM