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July 27, 2006

There's No CRYING in BASEBALL

Yeah, and there is no crying at work, either. But me? I have done it. At EVERY JOB I HAVE EVER HAD. Truly. Usually to my boss. Usually because someone was being mean on the playground.

But can I tell you? I know, it is WRONG, and you can tell me how appalling it is and how women never get anywhere once they cry. But it has never held me back, I don't think.

Today two women in my office, very nice women, were talking about how they never cried at work. And I was all perky-like, "Really? I always do!" And then I had to retract and say, well, oh I did, but I went into the bathroom, or took a walk or whatever. But the truth is, I have cried in my boss' office in every job ever. There you go.

I think my saving grace is that I'm a hard worker. It's one of the very few life skills I have. I can't cook, remember to fill out an expense report or find a decent man, but I can work. And my bosses know this, and like this because it makes them look good. So they don't mind if once a year I muffle a sob or two and wipe a tear away and my voice trembles because, well, shit, I didn't do it in front of anyone else and man, doesn't he look good this month because of the work I did.

And usually, they know it's because I'm at the breaking point. They've overloaded me, and I've taken it like a tearful Man. So they can't complain.

But today I cried to my LANDLORD. That poor man. After he lent me a giant fan. But I've been without A/C for two weeks now, in one of the worst national heat waves ever. Last night I slept on top of a sleeping bag on the floor next to my patio sliding doors. For reals, yo.

He tried to break the news to me gently:

Landlord: "Hey Jen. Have you been home yet and seen how the new fan is working?!"

Grumpy me at 7:00 p.m: "No. I'm just driving home from work."

(too long pause, in which I realize life is not getting better any time soon)

Me: "So. What did the A/C guy say? Does G-d hate me or no?"

(really, that's what I said. I'm REALLY GRUMPY.)

Landlord: "Well, I did get to talk to him today.... And well..... the soonest he'll be able to get to you is next Wednesday..."

Me: "Noooooooo."

(seriously, I really made that sound.)

Me: "Noooooooo."

After that I don't know what I said. It was a blubbery mess.

And I know, it was WRONG, and appalling, and it probably won't get my A/C fixed any sooner.

But damn if I didn't feel better after a good cry.

And that fan he lent me? It's no A/C, and I'll still be sleeping on a sleeping bag tonight in front of it, but that's better than sleeping in front of my sliding glass door with nary a hint of a breeze.

Which makes me think why the HELL didn't I buy myself a fan earlier? Because I refused to accept the fact I didn't have A/C, that's why.

Accepting my fate is still a life skill I haven't developed. And so sometimes, I cry.

Posted by jen at July 27, 2006 10:12 PM

Comments

I usually cry in the bathroom or step outside if I feel the need to cry at work. The only times I can remember crying in front of folks at work was when these guys tried to mug me and when my mom called to tell me that a favorite relative had died. That kind of crying has always been a private thing for me. Heck. Jade and Emerald are probably the only friends I have who have seen me cry.

Now landlords, repairmen, and customer service clerks are a completely different tale. They tell me something like, "You will have to suffer through this heat for another week," and I burst into tears, proclaiming, "But that's not fair."

The only reason why I have a fan is my dad bought me one after my housewarming. It was a warm day and with the oven on, well, the rest of the apartment became an oven. Actually he bought me two fans. Now that the fog has rolled in up here do you want me to send you one?

Posted by: Dagny at July 28, 2006 03:31 PM

You're not alone. My friend Lisa always tells people that it's a sign she's so angry and frustrated that it's leaking out her eyeballs, not a sign of weakness. And I've done it too, also usually out of total frustration, like when my old boss told me "I'm giving you the gift of not firing your totally psycho and incompetent PA, because there are difficult people everywhere, and dealing with her every day will make you a better manager someday."

Posted by: Gwen at July 30, 2006 09:28 AM

Yeah.. I feel your pain. I live in the tropics.

We have an A/C in the house, but never use it - electricity bills can be very scary after using the old a/c. I bought one of those oscillating pedestal fans from Target for 20 bucks. I keep that banshee on full at the end of the bed in summer - and it makes sleeping quite bareable. You don't wear much, and only have a sheet over the top of you - but it's an easy way to live and sleep!! :)

Posted by: daniel at July 30, 2006 05:21 PM

I didn't just cry at work, I sobbed, uncontrollably! Just like Lisa it was mostly out of frustration but guess what? I ended up having to go to the company shrink because they felt like I was having issues!!!! The frustration is still there but at least I'm learning not to cry!

Posted by: Norma at July 31, 2006 08:47 PM

i always cry when i'm really really mad. it's like (i tell myself) i'm so angry that my mind just cannot process words and out come tears instead. it's annoying as obviously much less effective than nasty snarky vicious biting commentary. but i can never think of that until later. argh! the crying! it always happens! p.s. i have a coworker right now who is ALSO a cryer. our boss must love when we are both super mad on the same day!!! :)

Posted by: carolyn at August 1, 2006 04:48 AM

I'm so glad to read that there are others who cry when they're angered. To me, it's no different or less professional than when a guy pounds his fist on a conference table or raises his voice and curses another co-worker, but for some reason women are told that it's wrong and a sign that we're overly emotional. Give me a break. It's a normal, natural response and there's no reason to be embarrassed by it. I hope the A/C is finally back-up...now that's a reason to cry right there.

Posted by: Ana at August 14, 2006 02:22 PM