« I TRIPLE-Dog Dare You | Main | If There Is a Line, I Surely Have Crossed It »
April 28, 2006
Showing Your Cards
Today I went down to get my mail and my landlord asked me how I was doing.
My reply? Not "Fine, thanks."
No, I said, "It's finals. I'm unwashed, my apartment is a mess and I won't be leaving my house for the next 5 days."
This is a problem I've had for years. TMI. Not that it matters with my landlord. He's a dad type, and seems proud that I'm making it through law school and tells me about his son's soccer team championship.
But other times, it has mattered.
For a long time, I overshared on dates and with new friends. My sexual history, my feminism, my feelings on a unified European currency (dating myself much?).
And it wasn't working. Guys get scared if you share too much. They think your openness is a sign of weakness, not of strength. They look for flaws. Either to ditch, if they are normal, or to exploit, if they are cruel.
Then, my friend Amber shared with me a great tip she'd received from some seminar. That you monitor your sharing. It's a card game. You wait and see, is he sharing his 3s, his 4s, or has he moved on to 7s? And you follow suit (ha!). You save your ace for when things are safe. If you ever share it at all. Some things are better kept to yourself.
It's so funny. Laurie has been learning to Live Out Loud, and I have been learning to keep quiet. Somewhere, there is a balance. The sweet spot.
Learning to keep quiet been a miracle worker for me. I may still overshare with my landlord, and I often regret the things I share with friends and dates even still. But at least I am no longer projecting the image of Who I Was Then, now. By sharing who you were too much, somehow you can send the message that you're still that person -- if your memories are close enough to share, perhaps they are more than memories, yes?
So I protect myself. I don't lie. But I hold my cards close.
Posted by jen at April 28, 2006 10:11 PM
Comments
Your writing, and Aunt Purl, are keeping me from studying for the June LSAT! SHHH! Must . . . Study . . .
Posted by: Meerkat at April 29, 2006 03:18 PM
There is a fine balance in that whole sharing thing. Best of luck.
Posted by: Dagny at April 29, 2006 07:56 PM
i think we do the oversharing when we are feeling insecure so when people say things to us during those moments we feel like they are secretly pointing out our flaws so our defense mechanism is to point it out and laugh about it. i do that all that time. i wonder which parent gave this wonderful trait to us.
Posted by: Penny at April 29, 2006 08:46 PM
I used to be the craziest oversharer, and the less close I was to someone, the more likely they were to hear my entire life story and deep dark secrets (usually while drunk). The silver lining was that this only happened at theater-people parties, and most people there were exactly the same way. The downside was that the entire world knew every time I had a crush on someone, or had secretly hooked up with someone.
Hmm... I wonder if this is why I decided not to pursue acting or working in theater after graduation.
Posted by: Gwen at April 29, 2006 11:26 PM
Meerkat, step away, step away from the LSAT. I am deep in finals and it is hell.
I am glad I am not the only oversharer, although I find it interesting we a) share with different types of people and b) different subjects and c) for different reasons.
Posted by: jen at May 1, 2006 01:35 AM
I get the biggest kick out of your blog. I, too, am an oversharer and it's often not with the people I'm closest to.
Let's think of it as "generosity of information," shall we? ;o)
But seriously, I found this posting quite thoughtful and a useful bit of advice.
~ Carolyn B.
Collierville, TN
Posted by: Carolyn Bahm at May 1, 2006 09:45 AM
at this late stage of the bitter bitter girl game, the only time i overshare is a) on the phone, when simultaneous b) so drunk that i won't remember it and most likely c) crying. be very very glad i don't have your number memorized!!!
otherwise i keep my cards very close, lie often, and spend all day worrying if i am protecting myself enough, because the tiniest little slip up can bring on a world of pain!
don't i sound emotionally healthy and resoundingly so?
Posted by: carolyn at May 2, 2006 11:52 AM