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October 30, 2005
Broccoli Ain't Half Bad, But Don't Tell My Mother
So I discovered that Halloween isn't half bad once you figure out a costume. And before you decide from the above photo that I am A TOTAL HO (sp?), I substituted a wife-beater* and some jeans for the "dress." Although really, an ass-revealing mini would have been demure compared to the Sexy Nurses at this party. Anyway.
I also realized where my discomfort with Halloween comes from. From my mother. Where all good foibles come from, of course!
The problem, you see, is that in my household, Halloween costumes had to be educational. My first Halloween? I was a ballerina. Ah, a ballerina! So fun!
No.
I was a ballerina only in the sense that I wore a tutu. A red tutu. NOT a PINK tutu, like my best friend Beth Riley. No, a RED tutu. With a white leotard. WITH FELT SHAPES SEWN ON IT. A triangle. A square. A circle. Because you know, I was learning shapes. And what better way to reinforce this knowledge than to for my poor, non-seamstress mother to painstakingly sew them on my costume?
Love you, Mom!
Damn you, Montessori school.
AND instead of a store-bought SHINY! SILVER! tiara like Beth, what did I have? Some freaky dried-flower garland from a renaissance fair!
Damn you, still vaguely hippie parents.
It just got better each year. One year my mom had me be a witch. But not any witch. Nay, I was The Witch of Blackbird Pond. And really I was only a witch because we could reuse my costume for when I had to play a pilgrim in the Thanksgiving play. Just subtract pointy hat and add a white, poorly constructed apron and presto! Pilgrim!
After these painful experiences**, I lost my passion for Halloween.
But I do have to say, it wasn't so bad, biting the bullet and donning the construction worker outfit.
Just so I don't stray too far from my roots, however, I have to tell you what I learned this Halloween.
- Don't arrive at a Halloween house party at 12:00 a.m. Not only are you rudely late (sorry, Amber!), but things have, um, degenerated at this point. While your girlfriends may just be cutely sloshed, the men there are not cutely anything. Hi! My eyes are up here!
- Being on the man hiatus totally rocks! Instead of giving my number out to any requesting foolio, I felt fine saying, "Um, you have asked me my name three times in the last hour. If I gave you my number, you would not remember who I was to call later. NO."***
- Halloween is just an excuse for grown-ups to get silly.
So yeah, Halloween isn't that bad. But don't tell my mother. Next thing you know she'll be sewing gold stripes on my graduation robe so I can go as Rehnquist.
*I don't even know what it means that I now use the term "wife-beater" without batting an eye. I blame K-Fed.**My mom claims I loved it. But I swear, I was not THAT big a nerd. Was I? Was I?
***Gloria, I will remember this lesson for later and not encourage any more men who approach us by being too nice.
Posted by jen at October 30, 2005 09:12 PM
Comments
all that and sparkle too - i bet you had a lot of drunk losers asking for your number!!! :)
you may enjoy this blog as she writes a lot of funny commentary about the Federlines, altho none of those posts are up on the front page anymore... I'm sure there will be a new one coming soon:
http://www.elizabethcrane.com/blog/index.html
Posted by: carolyn at October 31, 2005 04:10 AM
I am glad to see that you have gotten over your dislike of Halloween. I see that mothers can make a difference. When I was deep into "Little House on the Prairie," my mother made me a dress and bonnet that would have made Laura jealous.
As for turning down the drunken guys, my question is why do you give out your number? The easy way around it all is to simply refuse to give out your number and to get theirs. "I'm sorry but I never give out my number but I will gladly take yours. If I am truly interested, I will call you."
Posted by: Dagny at October 31, 2005 07:46 AM
Because I feel the need to help the world spell "ho" properly, I refer you to the following case: 406 F.3d 857 (really, check it out, it's hysterical - it's in footnote 1.)
Posted by: anne at October 31, 2005 12:06 PM
You are the BEST. That is the BEST LINE EVER.
Drinks Friday? So we can practice using your new get-away-from-me skills? I deigned to be nice to some random guy at a house party this weekend, then he showed me his costume. He was Freddy. I was like, uh, goodbye.
Posted by: Gloria at October 31, 2005 12:07 PM
Heh heh heh heh. The pictures of you in the 'shapes' leotard are perfect.
By the way, to reinforce my earlier sentiment that the non-Halloween-y leanings are genetic, I forgot it was Halloween this morning as I got ready to go to work. I forgot. This might seem not all that bad to those of you with normal jobs, but at my work, you may as well have leprosy if you're not dressed up for Halloween. Seriously. My reminder about Halloween this morning? The 'slutty devil,' 'Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man,' cowboy and entire troup of girl scouts shuffling into my building ahead of me. Not to mention the 20 or so people all dressed up as an 80s prom right next to my cube. I'm tellin' ya.
Posted by: Jeff at October 31, 2005 10:17 PM
Hmmm. I just re-read your post. Grown-ups getting silly? If that is the truly the case, then I will have to add Halloween to my growing list of amateur nights.
Posted by: Dagny at November 5, 2005 08:13 PM